The holidays are a time for family. A time for being greatful for life’s blessings. A time of love and hope. As I sit and reflect on my own life, I can think of so much to be thankful for in the past year. But I can’t help but reflect on the bad with that good.
I should be seven months pregnant. I was due on February 23rd but miscarried August on 10th. I was just shy of twelve weeks pregnant.
So, for that reason, Christmastime is looking a little different than I had imagined it would, just a few months ago. I love the holidays, and when I discovered I was pregnant, I began to picture what they would be like with our newest family member in my belly. I imagined my baby bump being adorable in Christmas photos. I imagined Charley kissing my belly and witnessing the excitement of what was to come within the next few months. I imagined baby clothes perfectly packaged beneath the tree. I imagined the magical feeling of Christmas coinciding with the feeling of little flutters and baby kicks.
A lot of you have been asking me how I’m doing regarding my miscarriage. The week I miscarried I got messages from 6 other woman (thank you friends) who had a miscarriage on the same DAY as me. It is so unfair. Unfair for so many reasons. And the seven of us women, just as the countless women before us, had to continue on with our daily lives while dealing with the struggle of a loss that is incomprehensible. That carrying on might look different from woman to woman. In my life it meant focusing on ME: my diet, my career and being the best Mom I could be. But what I haven’t focused on is trying to get pregnant again.
I shared a lot of the “trying” process with you. And while it took a couple months of peeing on ovulation sticks and trying out different tips and tricks (many of which I learned from you guys!), we had it easy. For me, getting pregnant hasn’t involved procedures, needles, injections or hundreds of doctor’s appointments. We are lucky. However, just because we had a relatively easy time getting pregnant, doesn’t make me want to jump back into it right away. Since having my miscarriage, I’ve been really struggling with concept of having another baby. My doctors told me to start “trying” right away, but I’d be lying if I said that sounded easy and exciting.
I feel extremely lucky to have what I do: a healthy three-year-old who brings my life so much joy. Life with a three year old is a little “easier” than the “chasing a baby around days”. Since Charley has gotten older and more independent, it’s been easier to focus on the “me” things. Leaving the house isn’t as big of a production. There are no more diapers. Fewer tantrums. My business is starting to take off. My marriage is good. I lost thirty pounds. All things I was struggling with before having the miscarriage. Why rock the boat again? Why risk it?
Over the past 6 months I’ve gotten comments at the grocery store, Charley’s school, even sitting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office. Women saying “One and done?” “Only one?” “Don’t you want another?” (insert eye roll).
I kept telling myself that all of this happened for a reason. Although I do think life would be AMAZING with a bundle of joy arriving in February, it’s been hard for me to not selfishly think of the reasons NOT TO try again, since it didn’t work out. In a way, before having the miscarriage, I was so focused on the “getting pregnant” part that I let stress and emotion take me over. Since having the miscarriage, I feel a little more organized with my thoughts. I’ve taken the time to process my emotions and become a better wife, parent, and person to myself! I do believe I am stronger because of it.
My heart aches for those who are going through a difficult time with fertility, loss, or making decisions about growing your family. To those of you struggling with infertility, to those of you who don’t have a choice: I wish I could take the pain away for you. I see your pain. I feel it.
I know I am lucky to have the option that a lot of women don’t. There is privilege in being able to make a choice. I’m not sure what the future holds for our family. And I’m not sure what it will take to help me make that decision. All I know is that I want to try to focus on what we have in the moment and stop putting pressure on myself…
So that’s where I’m at. I’m okay. We’re okay. Confused, unsure, but okay. Thanks for all the love and support. Thanks so much for checking in.